The Legendary Legend of Kim Jong Il


We have all heard of the reclusive North Korean leader. We all know he was a little nuts…and a little lonely. But did you know that he invented the hamburger?

It turns out he was basically the most amazing human that ever lived…at least according to North Korean state-run media. In fact, all of the legendary facts below were either spoken or written at some point by official government sources.

1. He Was Born Under a Double-Rainbow

According to his official biography, Kim Jong Il’s birth in North Korea circa 1941 was heralded by a double-rainbow and a new star shining brightly in the sky. Unfortunately, we know this to be false: his father was commander of a battalion in the Soviet Army made of Chinese and Korean exiles. Their records show that he was actually born in the Russian village of Khabarovsk.

2. He Invented the Hamburger

Since KJI runs a country free of western influence, he decided to invent something called “double-bread with meat”. These majestic [rat]burgers were then mass produced in a factory built by KJI himself in order to provide better food for university students and teachers. In truth, the entire country basically starves every day.

3. He is a Cognac Connoisseur 

According to Hennessy, one of the world’s leading makers of cognac, KJI was one of their best customers, spending between $600,000 and $850,000 per year on the liquor. Made from the distilling of wine, the Paradis cognac was his favorite and goes for as much as $700 per bottle. To put that in perspective, the average North Korean makes about $1,000 per year.

4. He was an Internet Expert

Even though North Korean citizens could not use the internet or mobile phones, KJI often claimed to be a telecommunications expert. He once boasted such things to the South Korean president, along with an overt admission that wiring of public areas could be dangerous. Considering that South Korea has the fastest internet in the world, though, this seems a little like trying to tell Kobe Bryant that you are a basketball superstar.

5. He was the Greatest Golfer Alive. Ever. In the History of Greatest Golfers Ever.

This one blows my mind – in 1994, KJI played his first round of golf. In that same round, he hit 11 hole-in-ones and finished his round 38 shots under par. For our non golfers, there are only 18 holes on a course, and the lowest scores ever recorded are 55, or approximately 17 shots under par. Assuming he played on a par-72 course, KJI finished 18 holes by hitting the ball 34 times. INCREDIBLE.

This story was reported by state-run media, and confirmed by all 17 of his body guards that were with him on that day.

[By the way, my goal is that this blog post somehow gets past the North Korean firewall and that one of the 12 people with internet there becomes our first North Korean leader – I mean READER! Wow, a Freudian slip for the ages…]

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