12 Days of Christmas: The Santa-Submarine Theory


It cannot be overstated how much we at Abraham Thinkin’ love Christmas. Truly, any superlative to describe a person’s enthusiasm is applicable to our Christmas Spirit, and it probably still falls short of effectively capturing the level of our Holiday Cheer. As we all know by now, the best way to spread Christmas Cheer is to sing loud for all to hear. Fortunately for you all, we cannot sing Christmas Carols to you through the computer, so instead, we are going to do what we think is the next best thing. Every day between now and Christmas Day, we will post something related to Christmas, including Christmas Traditions, Stories of Christmas Lore; some of Abe’s Christmas Faves, and much much more.

Here we are, the Ninth Day of Christmas, hardly three days from Christmas morning.  The excitement is palpable in these parts, almost as though you could pick it out of the air, take a bite, and be infected with urge to hum Christmas carols and go way overboard decorating your house while sipping gallons of hot chocolate.  We became slightly jealous of Santa for getting to live in this kind of joy year round.  This got us thinking though… what kind of circumstances does Santa live in year round?

Why Santa lives at the North Pole, other than the extreme isolation, is beyond me.  There are other supremely isolated places all around the world that would not expose him to the extremes present at the North Pole.  First of all, there is the climate:  The average temperature at the North Pole is 32° F during the Summer, and a balmy -34° F during the Winter.  I think its safe to say that hot chocolate has probably replaced the blood that used to flow through Santa’s body after this many years in those temperatures.

We then have the issue of “day” and “night” at the tippy top of the world.  It has been well documented that in many of the northernmost parts of the civilized world, there are periods that see over 24 hours of continuous sunlight or darkness.  The psychological and physiological effects of these cycles has been shown to be potentially quite damaging.  Apparently though, Alaskans don’t have a thing on Santa’s home base.

Sunset at the North Pole

At the NP, there is basically one day and one night the entire year.  The sun rises right around the March Equinox and sets just after the September Equinox.  So, as I said before, the North Pole essentially experiences a 8760 hour day.  The implications of which are a perfect segue to my next point.

The continuous 6 month cycles of sunlight, and lack thereof, causes massive yearly changes to the Arctic Ice Cap.  Right around the North Pole, the yearly change in the ice pack is right around four feet (6-10 foot thick ice).  Additionally, since there is no actual land, only floating ice, at the North Pole, it would be impossible to have a permanent structure located at the North Pole.

Where am I going with all this you ask?  I’ll tell you where – why I am going to Santa’s underwater lair!  I completely buy in to the notion that Santa lives at the North Pole… it makes no sense, but at the same time it makes perfect sense.  There are a number of theories out there that his Workshop is actually underground, so as to stay hidden from prying eyes.  However, as we pointed out above, with the shifting ice and varying thickness, such a theory becomes virtually impossible.

Thus, the only remaining plausible explanation is this: Santa and his elves built themselves an under-water submarine mothership of a workshop.  I know, it sounds a little far-fetched, but hear me out… Given that Santa is either magic or so intelligent that he makes Einstein look like he rides the short bus, he clearly has the capacity to make this happen.  Not only has Santa shown his work by making Reindeer fly, but he has also figured out how to bend time in order to visit potentially billions of homes around the world in a single evening, all without ever being seen!  MI-6 and the CIA can eat their hearts out.  Making a super-sized steath underwater habitat it child’s play compared to those feats.

No doubt, a very similar view as one that Santa’s Elves may enjoy from their underwater suites.

The genius of Santa’s ploy is amazing.  By creating an underwater habitat, he of course stays inconspicuous, but also is able to avoid many of the problems that confront him by trying to stay at one of the poles: The toll of the long day and night, the freezing weather…  Santa has undoubtedly also kept in mind the similar effects that long bouts of submersion can have and compensated for them.

The walls and ceiling of the habitat are, of course, able to project any climate and image to give the inhabitants the feeling of being somewhere else while also being able to regulate the time of day.  This has been achieved on a smaller scale at places like Las Vegas and mega-indoor resorts in Japan.  Once Santa got his hands on though, things really took off.  One can only imagine the technological advancements within this habitat.

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