12 Days of Christmas: The Santa-Burglar Paradox

From time to time, we here at Abraham Thinkin’ will post columns from guest writers. If you have an idea for a story, have something that has been on your mind, or just want to chat us up, feel free to contact us about getting on the blog.

On the Third Day of Christmas, we bring you our first post from a guest columnist.  As you can see as you read his rant, he can be quite cranky, but he makes quite a valid point.  We all love Christmas movies because they are magical in a way that no other movies can replicate.  Because of this, we may be more inclined to look over some large logical flaws in these movies.  However, our own South Pole Elf has been bothered by this particular flaw for far too long, and he can stay silent no longer.  Enjoy!

Perhaps one of the most exhilarating experiences of childhood comes during this time of year. The excitement that accompanies waking up and realizing that underneath your Christmas tree  – can I say Christmas, or do I have to say Holiday tree? Who the hell cares!! Back to my original thought… You experience that overwhelming gleefulness that one can only feel as a child on Christmas morning. SANTA CLAUS CAME TO MY HOUSE! Then, you would sprint to the tree and view all of the presents he had dropped off while your little head was fast asleep. Unfortunately, we hit a point in our adolescence where we find out that Santa is actually just a make-believe character and that your parents fork over a bunch of money to make you happy while they drink whiskey-laced eggnog at 9:00 AM. Don’t get me wrong, I will do the same for my son and any future children that my wife and I bring into this world, but I have something to say about how this
is portrayed in the media.

Judge Reinhold was QUITE skeptical of Santa until he got his weenie whistle

I draw up that visualization to segue into the real purpose of this entry. I have *qualms-a-plenty* with Hollywood when it comes to Christmas movies and the way that adults (parents especially) are portrayed in those movies. Movies such as The Santa Claus and Elf are completely ignorant of reality. In every movie we map the same plot – kids believe in Santa, parents do not believe in Santa, kid and Santa somehow save the day and this convinces the adults to believe in Santa again. In these movies, at some point early on Santa is ALWAYS shown leaving presents under the tree, but the parents the next morning are either not surprised or just not impressed (Picture French people with their berets and cigarettes like “meh… Santa does not impress.”)  My question is this: How the hell do parents not believe in Santa if they wake up every Christmas morning and there are presents under the tree that they did not get for their kids? If this happened in my house I would call the police and tell them someone reverse-burglarized my house. But nooooo!! In these movies, they never even discuss how the hell the presents appear and the parents are just like “oh ok, cool”. It is a heap of malarkey.

How in the hell is this left out every damn time they make a Christmas movie? I know I cannot be the only one that noticed this thus far. The complete neglect of explaining this unknown in every Christmas movie is infuriating. I have exhausted all radical notions on this subject as well. I have gone so far as to assume that the parents are really just complete pricks and assume that they must have picked up these presents during their shopping trips this year…even though everyone shops on Amazon now. I even tried explaining it via Elf Roofies, where Santa can sprinkle some type of magic dust onto the parents heads while they sleep that allows them to be dumbfounded the entire next day.

Alas, I cannot explain it, and I do not expect anyone else to be able to either. It saddens me that I will likely die before Hollywood ever puts my frustration to rest and finally stops neglecting to address this issue. I love Christmas and I cannot wait to convince my kids that Santa is real, but the whole time I will be thinking about how Will Ferrell and Tim Allen have lied to me throughout life.

Anonymous the South Pole Elf

Day 1 – Stocking Stuffer Treats

Day 2 – The Re-Gifting Guide

Day 4 – O Christmas Tree

Day 5 – The Christmas Pickle

Day 6 – Look Mommy, A White Elephant!

Day 7 – How To Scare Your Kids into Being Good All Year

Day 8 – Abe’s *Least* Faves: The Worst Christmas Songs


5 thoughts on “12 Days of Christmas: The Santa-Burglar Paradox

  1. Pingback: 12 Days of Christmas – Abe’s *Least* Faves: The Worst Christmas Songs | *Abraham Thinkin'*

  2. Pingback: 12 Days of Christmas: How to Scare Your Kid into Being Good All Year | *Abraham Thinkin'*

  3. Pingback: 12 Days of Christmas: The Christmas Pickle | *Abraham Thinkin'*

  4. Pingback: 12 Days of Christmas: Classic Stocking Stuffer Treats!! | *Abraham Thinkin'*

  5. Pingback: 12 Days of Christmas: The Christmas Truce | *Abraham Thinkin'*

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